I went a couple of rounds with my aunt the other day over her insistence on addressing mail to me and my husband as "Mr. and Mrs. HisName." After she sent us a Christmas card thus addressed, I politely asked her to please not do that anymore - and was shocked when she protested. Vociferously.
"No, no, no!" she said. "Why?"
"Because that's not my name, that's why."
"Well, that's just silly. If you're going to be that way, I won't send you any more mail."
I laughed, but wasn't much inclined to back down. "That's fine with me - if you're going to address it that way, I'd just as soon not get it. And anything I do get from you that's addressed to Mr. and Mrs. HisName, I'm sending back!"
Much exasperated huffing. "So what am I supposed to call you?"
"The same thing you've always called me," I replied. "You were at my wedding - you know I didn't change my name."
After some more tussling she finally agreed to honor my request, then said, "But on Christmas cards, you'll still be Mr. and Mrs. HisName." When I loudly objected, she grumbled, "All right, all right!" I think it's entirely likely she was just saying that to shut me up.
I have to admit, I was pretty floored by her reaction. I knew she was somewhat old-fashioned, but this I hadn't expected. For one thing, we've always been very close; it hadn't occurred to me that she would be so dismissive about something that's so important to me. For another, it's not like I asked her to call me Princess Swapneshwari or some out-of-left-field moniker. It's the same name I've had since I was born.
But convenience really isn't the issue. This is about society's enduring expectation that a woman is duty-bound to surrender her name when she marries. I've had variations on this conversation many times over the years, and I'm constantly amazed at the disrespect I'm shown simply because I don't want to be known as an accessory to my husband. The fact that I want to be called by my own name doesn't mean I adore him any less. And for the record, I deeply resent being told I'm "silly" about this subject. There's nothing silly about asking to be treated as an equal, even if it's on the front of an envelope.
I don't know, maybe I'm the proverbial salmon swimming upstream here. But it's maddening to find that, more than 30 years after the women's movement crashed through barriers, the decision to get hitched still relegates us to a bizarre sort of anonymity. It's as though we cease to exist as individuals the day we take our marriage vows - and so, stripped of our names and identities, we're ultimately reduced to one word:
"Mrs."
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7 comments:
See, this is one place where my training as a Southern woman in the art of pleasing everyone comes in. I'm surprisingly good at turning my politics into a personal eccentricity to people who don't understand and asking that they just indulge me. A cop-out? Sure. But god, it relieves headaches.
My mother got married in 1970, at the age of 20, and didn't change her name.
Oddly enough, my father's parents accepted that, but my mother's parents addressed mail to "Mr. and Mrs." for about a decade after the wedding.
My female friends almost all seem to be changing their names or hyphenating as they get married. I grew up assuming that not changing one's name was the norm, or at least common, and thus can't imagine changing mine.
Now you've got me thinking, Amanda. See, I was raised in the north - New York, to be exact - and we're not exactly known for wanting to please others. Even though I do have a dose of "let's please everyone" in my DNA, it's entirely possible that what I view as a birthright strikes others as a mere eccentricity. Thing is, I don't have a problem with other women taking their husbands' names when they marry - it's a personal choice, albeit one I think helps to perpetuate women's second-class status. But really, what a woman chooses to call herself is no one's business but her own. It's people's refusal to honor that choice that's so crazy-making.
Funny, I've noticed that same thing among younger women marrying today - of the 10 or so I know who got married in the last five years, all but one of them took their husbands' names. The one exception is my SIL. (Hmm, note to self: Ask bro and SIL if our aunt addressed THEIR Christmas card to "Mr. and Mrs.") Anyway, good for your mom - that was a pretty brave choice in 1970 at age 20!
Oh, lord - 18 years? Better rustproof my armor, eh?
You're right, of course - what's so hard about honoring a simple wish to be called by one's own name? I just don't get it. Never have, never will.
"For another, it's not like I asked her to call me Princess Swapneshwari or some out-of-left-field moniker."
Hmmmm. . .I've got this evil idea that I'll ask people to address me as "Her Excellency Madame President-for-Life" or "Her Infernal Majesty."
Heh.
--Sheelzebub
Well, you know that calling people by their preferred names/titles (or the most neutral & inoffensive ones, in the absence of guidance) is so politically correct, and who wants to be PC these days? ;)
-lattitudes
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